I used to be a wreck (Which isn't to say I'm not a mess right now, but a more manageable one). A lot of that stemmed from fears that I believed to be out of my control. Fears that had such power over me I believed them to have been spawned from me. So it seemed only natural that I was afraid of Halloween. It was the one day that was dedicated to celebrating these fears. Whether it was the darkness, excessiveness, the unknown, or death.
In time those fears permeated my being and I fell slave to them in other ways. I would come to build a prison from the world just to avoid chancing having to come face-to-face with them. It wasn’t very healthy, obviously, but I have since come to realize that these fears existed long before I did and will remain long after I am gone. So maybe instead of the helplessness I felt from these fears I could try to face them and stop living in them.
I'll be clear, I'm so fucking afraid of my performance, in all senses of the word. I'm afraid that everything I do is nowhere near good enough and any respect or admiration I have from my peers will be lost once they see me struggle, but I forget that I have stumbled… and I have crawled… and I have even sought to dig my own grave, all the while those who meant so much still stood by me.
My writing is something I hold close to me and to show it is akin to staring into me. I can count the people I've willingly shown my writings to on one hand, and even then they haven't seen most of my works. Peeks, here and there.
I cannot keep these words inside me forever though, because they will eventually rot and grow stagnant. I have gathered a few pieces that I have been working on and release them. I know that in a year they will not be my best works as I hope to grow, but right now I really like them and I hope that I will still like them in the future. I hope you do too, or at least are entertained by them. They all directly, or not, revolve around a fear or frightening event in my life (Which kind of explains why I'm releasing them now). Things that I'm sure some of you have experienced. Read them, or don't. They'll be here. I'll be here, hopefully a little different, a little better each time.
In time those fears permeated my being and I fell slave to them in other ways. I would come to build a prison from the world just to avoid chancing having to come face-to-face with them. It wasn’t very healthy, obviously, but I have since come to realize that these fears existed long before I did and will remain long after I am gone. So maybe instead of the helplessness I felt from these fears I could try to face them and stop living in them.
I'll be clear, I'm so fucking afraid of my performance, in all senses of the word. I'm afraid that everything I do is nowhere near good enough and any respect or admiration I have from my peers will be lost once they see me struggle, but I forget that I have stumbled… and I have crawled… and I have even sought to dig my own grave, all the while those who meant so much still stood by me.
My writing is something I hold close to me and to show it is akin to staring into me. I can count the people I've willingly shown my writings to on one hand, and even then they haven't seen most of my works. Peeks, here and there.
I cannot keep these words inside me forever though, because they will eventually rot and grow stagnant. I have gathered a few pieces that I have been working on and release them. I know that in a year they will not be my best works as I hope to grow, but right now I really like them and I hope that I will still like them in the future. I hope you do too, or at least are entertained by them. They all directly, or not, revolve around a fear or frightening event in my life (Which kind of explains why I'm releasing them now). Things that I'm sure some of you have experienced. Read them, or don't. They'll be here. I'll be here, hopefully a little different, a little better each time.
~
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
― Frank Herbert, Dune
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